Emotional Self-Management

Aug 13, 2010 in Behavioral Economics, challenging times, General Interest, Guitars, Intelligent Motivation, Motivation Expert, Relationship Intelligence®

by Jim Cathcart, author of Relationship Intelligence®

Three days of motorcycling was almost enough. Almost. I’ve been riding the California coast this week, solo. I took off at 11am a few days ago from Ventura County and rode north along coastal highway 1 all the way to the Monterey Peninsula. Big Sur was beautiful as always, as were the rolling golden hills and stunning ocean views of the entire trip. I rode Skyline Highway and stopped at Alice’s Restaurant to do my official duty as a motorcyclist. (You cannot ride in this area without stopping at Alice’s at least once.)

My FJR1300 in front of Alice's Restaurant

The purpose of this trip was what I’ve come to call “Emotional Self-Management.” When I discovered that our emotions operate on a completely separate track from our body and our intellect, it occured to me that there must be some way to affect our emotions. Many people try to reason their way out of their feelings. “Just get over it.” Righhht. “Let it go.” (Like that’s possible!) “Don’t think about it.” (Another brilliant suggestion.) But surely there is a way to access and influence our emotions.

Years ago I read Dr. George Weinberg’s book “Self Creation”, Avon Books 1976. His “Self Creation Principle” was, “Every time you act, you strengthen the thinking behind that act.” In other words, you can behave as if something was so and your action will strengthen your feelings and thoughts about it. For example; when you are afraid, if you act as if you were not afraid then you will often reduce your fears. It doesn’t always work but it is a good strategy for taking immediate action when your feelings are getting in your way.

Well, here is my situation. In July of 2010 I lost my 90 year old Mother and my wife Paula lost her 84 year old Mother. Two in one month, a very powerful blow. I spent two weeks in Arkansas attending to Mom, meeting with doctors, sorting through her apartment full of belongings, visiting family and friends, and attending funerals. On top of this I also delivered speeches in South America and Nebraska, and spent a week in meetings in Canada. All in just over 30 days time! If ever I needed some emotional recovery this was it. Stress-control experts tell us that the most devastating blow we experience is death in our immediate family. I figure the combined “stress points” I earned in July had to total enough to really matter.

So, among other things, I made time to exercise, took the aforementioned motorcycle trip, spent time writing and recording a song for Mom, took private time to attend to Mom’s burial and conducted a special family memorial with our immediate family. I did not attend the National Speakers Association convention, for the first time in 34 years! As past national president I’m still very much connected with NSA. Missing the events was a major decision for me. Normally I’d have made a special side trip in order to be there for part of the convention.

Now, I may not be out of the woods for stressful impacts yet, but at least I’m proactively managing my stress load. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes.

Here are some Emotional Self-Management suggestions for you: (based upon years of research and decades of personal experience)

Notice More. Pay attention to the stress factors in your life. Notice your own emotions. Pay attention to how you feel as well as to what you think and do. Keep a daily log if that helps. Become more self-aware. By the way, everything counts in this assessment. Notice your physical ailments, weight fluctuations, digestive difficulties, momentary outbursts, interpersonal conflicts, mood swings, and the types of problems you encounter.
Analyse What You Noticed. Back off and take a look at the whole picture. Pretend that you are a doctor or counsellor who is advising this person (you). What patterns do you see? Look at 30 days or more. Consider every item to be a factor. Note the obvious. Don’t judge, just be sure that you don’t miss anything. What do you see?
Don’t worry about what you cannot control. Control only what you can. If you see a piano falling from the sky don’t try to stop the piano, just be sure you get out of its way. So, start noticing what you can control.
Control Your Sleep Patterns. You can control how much sleep you get. 8 hours is enough normally, you may need a bit more, but resist the temptation to stay in bed and over sleep.
Don’t use alcohol or drugs as a crutch. They don’t heal your emotions, they simply mask them and save the pain for later. Emotional healing has its own time schedule and you cannot control it.
Control Your Alone Time. Make time for yourself to be alone and quiet with your feelings. Find a peaceful spot, take along some nurturing music. Just let yourself feel what you feel.
Control Your Contact Time. Make sure you intentionally spend time with people who nourish you. Get around friends and associates who help you feel good. Avoid those who simply encourage you to complain, whine and deny. Have a good mixture of optimistic, cheerful contacts with others.
Feel What You Feel. If you are grieving then grieve. Don’t try to suck it up and “be strong.” That is simply denial and all it does is postpone the grieving till later. But do your grieving in private or with a very close loved one. If you are angry, be angry but don’t act on your anger. Let it happen and let it pass. If you feel helpless, don’t run for help at first. See if it passes soon. If so then it was just a stage in the healing process. Emotions are the ways in which our souls breathe. Let them happen but don’t indulge them for long.
Control Your Nutrition & Exercise. You are a physical creature and the nutrients you take in will decide how efficiently your body can function. Be especially careful not to overdo “comfort food” to salve your feelings. Junk will poison your system and make your feelings even worse later on. Also, go for walks, workout at the gym, increase the amount of physical movement in your day. Take the stairs, park farther from the building, do what it takes to get your body to be active so that it can help to heal you.
Pray. Talk to God. Practice your faith. There is a bigger purpose to life than just your goals. Let go and let God heal you.
Serve. Get outside of yourself and serve others. Do special favors, work on a service project, pick up trash, be especially nice to others, even those you don’t know. You’ll heal more quickly and pass through the emotional processes more efficiently when you let go of your concerns about yourself.

And here are some bonus tips from my own list of favorites.

Take a long motorcycle or bike ride. Don’t compete, don’t watch the clock, and don’t have a destination appointment, just flow. Ride free and savor the world around you.

Go on a mountain hike. Exert yourself and savor the natural beauty around you. Go boating but focus on the floating and the water, not just on the operation of the boat.

Sit by a stream and play or sing music. I take my guitar outdoors and just sing to the ducks at the lake some times.

Do not watch TV or listen to talk radio! Disengage your judgmental mind and let yourself heal emotionally when needed.

We are Spirits who inhabit Bodies and experience Emotions while Thinking. Each of these is a noble and valuable part of who you are. Honor and respect them. Take care of your mind, body, feeling and soul.